I had a weak moment last week and made contact with Runaway Train. I realize this is the third dumbest thing I could have ever done. I say third because after wailing to one of my friends that it was the dumbest thing I could've ever done, he was quick to point out that, in fact, marrying Runaway Train would actually be the dumbest thing to do, and the second dumbest thing would be to tattoo his name somewhere on my body. Third dumbest thing was to talk to him again. I was grateful for this clarity.
I think it started in Haiti. For some reason, within about two hours of being in that country, lots of things became remarkably clear to me. My friend John, who has lived in Haiti for a very long time, made the comment that Haiti has a way of quickly surfacing things in one's life that need to be dealt with.
So I realized two things right away driving around Haiti that first afternoon: first, that I truly needed to forgive Runaway Train. If Jesus is willing to forgive me of anything and everything I've ever done, the least I can do is forgive someone else who harms me in some way. Second, I realized that I wasn't entirely innocent in the whole fiasco and owed him an apology for some things.
So I emailed him to do just that. I expected to either never hear back from him or to be told yet again to never speak to him again, but he surprised and sent a kind email back.
I probably should have left it at that, but I'm a girl, and sometimes a messed-up, dumb girl at that, and we ended up having a real conversation when I was back from Haiti. It was very generic and casual, but afterwards I was left with a bad taste in my mouth, mostly because he lied to me about something right off the bat, and I felt like I was staring down a very dark chasm that I was all too familiar with and I had the choice to either jump in again or walk away.
I've read this verse a lot, and I even saw Runaway Train in it when he himself chose to drop me and go back to a less than stellar relationship, which is what derailed things in the first place. But it felt real to me for my life this week and it made sense:
"As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly." (Proverbs 26:11)
Yikes.
The other thing that happened to me in Haiti is that I picked up a case of Haitian Happiness for about 24 hours. I threw up five times in three hours one afternoon. Nobody else got sick, just me. And I can tell you, there is nothing appealing about vomit, unless you're a dog and then it's just an afternoon snack.
I think it's best now to let things lie with Runaway Train. My conscience is clear now as far as he goes and if our paths ever cross again either personally or professionally, we'll be polite and civil to each other. But beyond that chance meeting that may never happen, it's best to not return to him in any capacity. Returning to vomit is just a bad idea. Period.
I'm grateful to know that now and hope that this is the last time I feel any need to write anything about it again.
If you haven't watched the most recent episode of Community, you should. It bears an uncanny resemblance to me, Runaway Train, and my loyal friends who have patiently worked at holding me back this week. It reminds me of another verse too:
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work;
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
So the moral of the story is don't be a fool and go back to your vomit. And find some friends who will hold you back when you think vomit is what you want.
