Why Good Girls Go Bad

I'll let all of you men out there in on a secret - there is not a woman alive who ever wants hear the following words come from your mouth: "You are so nice."

This should be pretty logical, actually. When was the last time you wanted to act like a hero for a woman who told you you were nice? I'm guessing never. There is no fairy tale out there where the prince slays the dragon and saves the princess and she says, "Thanks, prince. You're so nice for rescuing me. Now if you'll just put me back down, I have to return to my palace and wash my hair because your dashing rival, who isn't all that nice, is taking me out to dinner."

For some reason, women, or at least me, seem to think that if they are nice enough eventually the prince will want them. The thought process seems to be, "If I can just cook him one more dinner or listen to him cry about that stupid other girl one more time or if I just help him with his homework one more time, then he'll see that he can't live without me."

This is dumb thinking and I'm tired of it. I don't know why it's taken me 32 years to figure out that usually the words "You are so nice" are almost always immediately followed by "You're such a great friend."

Friend. The other word that all women (and most men) hate to hear. Always the friend, never the girlfriend.

There's a couple of reasons why this is swirling around in my brain today. For one, I was thinking about a woman I used to know who I'll call Naomi. She died a couple of years ago but I knew her for a number of years through mutual friends. She was married for a little while years and years ago but her husband cheated on her with another man and she divorced him and never remarried. When I met her she was in her 70's and had lived alone for most of her life. No husband, no children, just a quiet solitary life. She would join us for Christmas or Easter or any other holiday where you typically get together with family, and I always used to think that even though she was a great lady, I didn't want to be like her as I got older. It got to where I almost dreaded seeing her on holidays because I was terrified of becoming her.

I don't want to be the spinster lady who goes to a friend's house on holidays because she has no one else and nowhere else to go. I keep the number of cats that live in my house strictly at two now for this reason too. If I can keep the cats at bay, maybe I can keep spinsterhood at bay too. Illogically logical.

I don't much about Naomi's story. Maybe she was happy and she liked her quiet life. Or maybe she lived the rest of her life being nice and the good friend and she secretly hated it but didn't know how to change. I'll never know. But from my perspective, I just saw loneliness and that I didn't want to have that end up being the story of my life.

I know I'm far from being a 70-something year old spinster cat lady at this point in my life, but having just been told yet again, "You're so nice and I just want to be your friend," for the upteempth time, Naomi has been on my mind today. Part of me feels like I need to change how I'm living my life in order to avoid becoming Naomi. If I keep hearing the words, "You're so nice. Let's be friends," maybe I need to figure out how not to be quite so nice and friendly.

I think this is ultimately what makes good girls go bad - they get tired of hearing the words, "You're so nice." They don't go bad because they've stopped trusting in God and His timing. I still trust in those things with all of my heart. Good girls go bad because they're tired of being nice.

So this is me today.

I don't want to be nice anymore. I'll be kind, I'll be compassionate, I'll be generous, I'll be wise, I'll be a servant, I'll be a smartass, I'll be surprising, but I'm not going to be nice. I don't think Jesus was nice. He was a lot of things, but at the end of the day there isn't a verse in the Bible that says, "Jesus was so nice." I want to be like Jesus, not the nice spinster woman I'm terrified of becoming.

To all of my single male friends, I'm done being nice to you. I'm not going to cook you another dinner. Learn how to cook for yourself or marry someone who will cook for you. I'm not going to listen to your problems any more. Talk to someone else about them or marry a woman who will listen to you for the rest of your life. I'm not going to help you with your work or your project or your homework or whatever else you can't seem to do yourself without my help. Ask one of your guy friends to do it, or marry a woman who will be your helpmate for the rest of your life.

And guys, stop being nice to us. We don't want nice men anymore than you want a nice woman. Be men. Be kind. Offer your strength when we need it. Be courageous. Be bold. Take risks. Serve the women in your life as you would serve Christ. But don't be nice. We don't need you to be nice. We need you to be men. And you don't need us to be nice. You need us to be women. And as much as it's in my control to do so, I'm done being nice.

I still trust God with all my heart that someday there will be a man who wakes up and realizes that his life will be better lived with a strong, capable, kind, and competent woman by his side, and that woman is me. I have no idea where he is or what's taking him so long, but one thing I know - when he meets me, the last thing that will cross his mind is, "Wow, that's one nice lady."

Another New Year's post - as if you haven't seen enough by now

Do you ever wish you could just go back in time and change something? It's a rhetorical question, I know. We all wish this, probably multiple times a day. At least I do.

Here's part of my list:

• I wish I had walked away sooner. I was too loyal when I was 16 and it's a trait that has haunted me ever since. Being unabashedly stupidly loyal is about as natural to me as breathing now.
  
• I wish I had gone to the other college. I was afraid of what would happen if I did, so I didn't.
  
• I wish I hadn't done what I did to my sister that one afternoon. She forgave me, but I hurt her. Really, really hurt her.
  
• I wish I had listened more and talked less. Maybe I wouldn't have hurt my friend as much as I did all of those years ago.
  
• I wish I had never met him. Life would have been much, much easier if I hadn't.
  
• I wish I hadn't taken things so seriously. I wish I hadn't been so scared I was going to do the wrong thing for as long as I did.
  
• I wish I could re-live high school knowing what I do now at age 32. But who wants to go back to high school?
  
• I wish I had kissed him. But things would be much more complicated now if I had.
  
• I wish I had bought a different house. A house with a yard already going.
  
• I wish I had gone to see him before he died. But I didn't.
  
• I wish I hadn't bought that plane ticket. I wish I hadn't canceled the one I did four years ago. I wish I had bought the one I never did.
  
• I wish I hadn't said everything that's ever hurt anyone I cared about. I also wish I had spoken up and said the right thing when instead I stayed quiet and let the moment pass.

But enough of this nonsense. For all of the things that I've listed above, good has come out of them, or will come out of them yet. And each thing on that list has brought me to the life I am currently living and the woman I am, and these are not things to regret.

I believe in a God who works everything out for good. He does good things in my life becase He loves me and has a purpose for my life.

Here is the good He has brought out of the things on the above list that from my perspective have been total and complete failures:

• Loyalty is rare. Even though I may express it sometimes at the wrong times and towards the wrong people and circumstances, it's a good thing to have, and it has served me well in my jobs, in my friendships, in my faith. I don't regret this. I'd rather be loyal than a flight risk any day.
  
• Because I stayed put when I went to college and didn't go out of state, I was able to be part of my boys' life until they moved back to Canada. I poured into the lives of many high school students through Young Life and saw God do great things in them. I don't regret any of this.
  
• My sister has taught me more about grace than probably anyone else and she doesn't even know it. I have done more harm to her in the name of Jesus than I have probably done to anyone else. And yet she loves me. Through her, I have seen God and His unconditional love for me. I regret hurting her as often as I have, but I don't regret how God has used my mistakes to teach me more about who He is.
  
• For all the friends I have hurt with words, see above. Same lesson learned. Regret the pain I caused, don't regret the grace that has come with it.
  
• I took things so seriously for so long and then someone I loved died, and ironically, that was the thing it took for God to rebuild me into someone who holds on to life much more lightly. Sometimes you have to lose everything in order to gain what is really life. I laugh more now. I take risks. I love people with abandon. I have tested the edge of God's grace and found that it has no bounds. As a result, I am free to live life joyfully, with my heart on my sleeve, loving every moment, even the hard and awful ones.
  
• Sometimes the people you wish you had never met end up being the greatest blessings you could ever imagine. I'm not quite there yet with this one but trusting God will make things clear and right and good in some way.
  
• This summer will be 15 years since I graduated high school. You couldn't pay me enough to re-live those days. But I am trying to grow up with each day that goes by. I have a long ways to go, but I think I'm on the right track.
  
• Kissing complicates things. I regret not taking the chance, but in retrospect, we messed things up enough in our friendship without throwing that in on top of it all. I'm still hoping for another chance when it's the right time...
  
• I love my house. Really I do. But I hate my backyard. Hate it. And I don't have enough money to make it look nice. And yet, awful backyard aside, being a homeowner has taught me about budgeting, caretaking, making wise choices, using my home for God's glory, and being generous with my space and time. I may regret the house I chose, but I don't regret how God has used the house He gave me.
  
• I thought about visiting. I thought about it a lot. But I was so scared and I didn't want to take the risk. So he died without ever seeing me one last time. I regret this, but I don't regret how God used that to make me a person who takes risks now when her heart tells her to. I would rather take risks with my heart than live a lonely, sad life. Also, I was able to visit a different friend several times this fall before he died because I learned that life is short and even though hospitals are scary and you may not know what to say, it's better to go than not go at all.
  
• Traveling risks. I'm trying to sort through one right now that isn't going to have a pretty solution no matter what I do, but canceling other plans in years past ended up being just as ugly because I didn't go. I think I would refer to the above point again...I would rather be one who takes crazy risks than one who doesn't. Life is much more interesting this way, albeit messy. Very, very, very messy.
  
• I bet for most of us, our biggest regrets are from words. But the reality is, we cannot live life without hurting others and ourselves with the words we say. This is why God tells us to be very wise with the words we use. I know that I've come a long ways with this one. I've said some extremely hurtful and mean things through the years, and I've said things carelessly or in a teasing way that have hurt those I loved as much as if I had said something hurtful on purpose. Yet, through the years, God has faithfully and patiently shown me that He does not use hurtful words to me and little by little, He is making me into a woman who seeks to affirm and build others up instead of tearing down. I know this will be a constant work for Him until the day I die, but I see growth and that encourages me. And I've learned a lot about seeking forgiveness and giving it to others when their words have hurt me.

A new year always brings a lot of reflection and anticipation. We can't help but think of the things we regret but also hope that things will be better and different this year. I have no idea what this year holds, but I do know the One who holds this year. And I trust Him with every regret and mistake I am going to make in 2012, and know that in 2013 I will look back and see that He turned things into good. I believe this with all of my heart, and I pray the same for you with whatever you are regretting or hoping for today.