I'm in Canada. It's raining and cold, but that is Canada in November for you. At least it's predictable.
It's Saturday and this morning the younger boys (Dylan age 10 and Thomas age 13) had fencing lessons. Because an hour of watching fencing is not that exciting to girls, Penny and I went to IKEA for 45 minutes and then came back to watch the last 15 minutes of practice.
I noticed that Thomas' group had quite a few girls in it. I saw at least four girls in the group of 10 or 12 kids. I thought this would make compelling conversation on the drive home, so back in the car I asked Thomas if fencing with girls was different from fencing with boys.
His answer surprised me.
Well, let me back up. I expected his answer to be "yes" but the reasons he gave were completely different than the reasons I was expecting.
I thought that he would say that it's different because you have to hold back with girls, not be as aggressive in case you might hurt them where you wouldn't hurt a boy.
But instead he said, "The girls hurt me! They have no idea how much it hurts to get jabbed in the chest because they wear chest protectors! And they just jab so hard! It's so not fair. I hold back when I fence with girls because I'm afraid they're going to hurt me."
My adult mind and heart, cultivated now by years of tears, heartache, mean words said, relationships damaged sometimes irreparably, and a whole slew of regrets, instantly read much more into his simple words than he intended. After all, he's only 13 and so far carries an intact heart that hasn't been torn apart by a girl he entrusted it to. For me, I hate watching on this end knowing that it is coming someday for him.
Right now he just sees girls as those who jab too hard in fencing because they don't know how much the jabs hurt. Time and heartbreak at the hands of a girl will eventually change that. Someday girls will be feared not because they fence hard but because they jab with their words and their actions and hurt his heart. I'm guessing that there will be girls in his life who do those things who will have no idea how much those jabs hurt.
I know I've been that girl time and time again in most of my friendships and relationships through the years, but I trust that God is changing me into a woman who thinks about the hearts of others more than she thinks about her own heart. It's a hard road and I lose the way a lot.
But I want to remember Thomas' innocent words today as I think about how I care for and interact with those around me who have fragile hearts. May I not be a woman who jabs without understanding how much it might hurt the one being jabbed. I might be wearing protection over my heart, but that doesn't mean those around me are.
I'm grateful for this day and this time here in Canada for simple moments like this. I love that God can give me simple reminders on how to care for others through the casual obersvations of a 13 year old boy after fencing lesson.
And now it's time to go demolish 10 year old Dylan at a game of cards....in love and gentleness, of course...
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Oh yeah, I forgot. I have a blog
I just got back from my third short-term mission trip this year. It’s been amazing to see the different things God does in my heart each time. He’s expanded my perspective far beyond my peripheral vision this year and I know life will never be what it was before the time spent in Peru and the Dominican Republic in 2011.
Each time I’ve returned I’ve discovered that pieces of my heart stay behind. No part of my personal or professional life has been immune to God. There are pieces of my heart scattered around the Amazon jungle, Pucallpa, Peru, and now Santo Domingo, DR.
I’ve seen my life become more generous, sensitive, and compassionate over the last six months. The things that seemed so important before now pale when I think about the people I know in other countries who live on much less and have much more joy than I do. I think of the children in the Shipibo village who have never seen a car, an electric socket, or a faucet of running water, and yet they smile and laugh with fullness of life. I think of my friends in Pucallpa who deal with extreme heat, massive rainstorms, limited finances to do the work God has given them to do, and yet they serve and love with all of their hearts without complaining. He’s broadened the scope of my heart through getting to know these beautiful new friends.
My most recent trip, however, hit me personally in a way that I wasn’t expecting or prepared for. I’ve wrestled a lot this year with trying to understand God’s plan for my life when it comes to my heart and its desires (am I going to be single forever?), and I have to be honest in saying that I’ve often doubted that He knows what He’s doing and that He’s in control. I’ve felt forgotten by Him. Even as I’ve seen Him broaden my heart for the world and its people, I’ve felt like its deeper desires have been ignored. But my few days in the DR reminded me that God can and will do what I am not expecting when I am not expecting it and that the most important thing I can do with my daily life is to seek Him first. He allowed my heart to be touched deeply by someone in a way that it hasn’t been for a long time and it was a sweet thing. He reminded me that He sees my heart and He has good plans for my life, far beyond anything I could think of or imagine. What I learned in the DR is that God can do the unexpected, He is fully aware of the desires of my heart, and He can be trusted completely with a future that I cannot see.
So here I am today. I’ve transitioned somewhat back into normal life as it was two weeks ago before DR. I’ve gone back to work, gone grocery shopping, cooked for the first time in a week and a half, talked through some things with a very dear friend, and my body is slowly remembering to sleep according to Mountain Standard Time again. Life must go on even when pieces of my heart stay behind. That’s one thing I’ve learned through the years.
I have no idea what God's plans for my life are but after last week, that's ok. In fact, now I think that the not knowing might be the best adventure of all. I believe with all of my heart that He is good and can be trusted with every dream, fear, desire, and longing that I have. "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21)
Pero, mi amor, un parte de mi corazon esta en RD contigo. Gracias para los abrazos y las conversaciones y la musica. Te extrano mucho y no te olvido. Cuando estas listo para una buena mujer, llamame :)
Each time I’ve returned I’ve discovered that pieces of my heart stay behind. No part of my personal or professional life has been immune to God. There are pieces of my heart scattered around the Amazon jungle, Pucallpa, Peru, and now Santo Domingo, DR.
I’ve seen my life become more generous, sensitive, and compassionate over the last six months. The things that seemed so important before now pale when I think about the people I know in other countries who live on much less and have much more joy than I do. I think of the children in the Shipibo village who have never seen a car, an electric socket, or a faucet of running water, and yet they smile and laugh with fullness of life. I think of my friends in Pucallpa who deal with extreme heat, massive rainstorms, limited finances to do the work God has given them to do, and yet they serve and love with all of their hearts without complaining. He’s broadened the scope of my heart through getting to know these beautiful new friends.
My most recent trip, however, hit me personally in a way that I wasn’t expecting or prepared for. I’ve wrestled a lot this year with trying to understand God’s plan for my life when it comes to my heart and its desires (am I going to be single forever?), and I have to be honest in saying that I’ve often doubted that He knows what He’s doing and that He’s in control. I’ve felt forgotten by Him. Even as I’ve seen Him broaden my heart for the world and its people, I’ve felt like its deeper desires have been ignored. But my few days in the DR reminded me that God can and will do what I am not expecting when I am not expecting it and that the most important thing I can do with my daily life is to seek Him first. He allowed my heart to be touched deeply by someone in a way that it hasn’t been for a long time and it was a sweet thing. He reminded me that He sees my heart and He has good plans for my life, far beyond anything I could think of or imagine. What I learned in the DR is that God can do the unexpected, He is fully aware of the desires of my heart, and He can be trusted completely with a future that I cannot see.
So here I am today. I’ve transitioned somewhat back into normal life as it was two weeks ago before DR. I’ve gone back to work, gone grocery shopping, cooked for the first time in a week and a half, talked through some things with a very dear friend, and my body is slowly remembering to sleep according to Mountain Standard Time again. Life must go on even when pieces of my heart stay behind. That’s one thing I’ve learned through the years.
I have no idea what God's plans for my life are but after last week, that's ok. In fact, now I think that the not knowing might be the best adventure of all. I believe with all of my heart that He is good and can be trusted with every dream, fear, desire, and longing that I have. "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21)
Pero, mi amor, un parte de mi corazon esta en RD contigo. Gracias para los abrazos y las conversaciones y la musica. Te extrano mucho y no te olvido. Cuando estas listo para una buena mujer, llamame :)
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