Bull sharks turn up in the dangdest places

Yesterday I spent $8 and went to see Shark Night in 3D. Don't judge me. I am bizarrely intrigued by sharks and spend way more time than is really necessary reading books about them, watching documentaries about them, and working comments about various facts and habits of them into normal conversations that have nothing to do with sharks.

For instance, I had this conversation with Jessie while driving to Alex and Laura's wedding last year:

Jessie: "There might be elk out now since it's dusk."
Me: "Sharks like to feed at dusk and dawn. You should never go in the ocean during those times."
Jessie: "That is the second time in like an hour that you've worked sharks into the conversation. That's really weird."

Anyway, I don't really recommend Shark Night to anyone else because it was a really dumb movie and portrayed sharks in a really bad light. For the record, they kill about 11 of us every year - we kill about 40 million of them in a year. Really sharks should be making movies called Human Night in 3D, if we're being honest with ourselves. Also, I went to the 4:20 show. Seriously? Who thought that showing a 3D movie about sharks at 4:20 was a good idea? That's just asking for trouble. That's not why I went, though. I'm not that kind of girl.

The highlight of the movie for me was when the redneck bad guy says, "It must've been a bull. Bull sharks turn up in the dangdest places." Amen to that, brother! That's one thing Shark Night in 3D got right.

It's a little known fact that bull sharks can actually survive in freshwater for 3-4 years. Bull sharks are also the most aggressive shark towards humans, not the Great White as myth would have it. Bull sharks have been found thousands of miles inland in the middle of the Amazon River. Thinking about going for a dip in the Mississippi River, Tom Sawyer? Think twice - there might be a bull shark waiting for some dinner. All those ferry crashes in the Ganges River where they write off the missing bodies as "drowning"? Doubt it - they were devoured by bull sharks. The story that inspired Jaws was actually based on a likely bull shark attack in a New Jersey creek. That's right - a creek.

All this talk about Shark Night and Jaws and freshwater reminds me of the screenplay I'm going to someday write called Shark Attack in the Poudre River. Now, I don't want to give too much away, but it's going to be about a shark attack in the Poudre River. It will follow a Larimer County Ranger, portrayed by Nicholas Cage, who begins investigating mysterious tubing deaths in the middle of a quaint town in northern Colorado. It doesn't take long for him to recognize the killer as having the same handiwork as the shark who killed his lady love years ago while rafting in the Mississippi River. But no one in the town believes him that there's a rogue bull shark hunting in the Poudre, except his new lady love Ranger Robin. Together they will save the town from the bull shark by catching it and then releasing it back into the ocean. It's going to be in 4D, because by the time I write it, 4D will have been invented.

I'll end with this - all of my crazy fascination with sharks has actually made me extremely terrified about going in the ocean. Like I almost paralyze myself in fear and drown whenever I try to swim in it. I still do it, but every time I get in, I think about how most shark attacks occur in less than 3 feet of water and that my splashing arms and legs make me look like a turtle or a seal to a shark. And then when I'm snorkeling around, I'm just waiting for a bull shark to appear out of the murky waters ahead, because, after all, bull sharks turn up in the dangdest places. But at the end of the day, I love sharks. A lot. Just as long as I stay on the land and they stay in the water.