Closed door # 3

Closed door # 3 of 2012 happened yesterday.  I had suspicions that it was about to close but it was still surprisingly hard when it did.  He changed his facebook status from single to being in a relationship with some other girl, so I did what any reasonable, mature 33 year old single woman would do - I unfriended him.

The short side of the story is that it was a case of hit and miss that went on for a long time. We were introduced by a mutual friend a couple of years ago but the timing was never quite right.

We most recently connected just six weeks ago, right before I went to Cuba.  I was thrilled to finally actually spend some time with the guy and enjoyed talking to him and wanted to spend more time with him and thought maybe this time the timing would be right.  But then I went to Cuba and then I came home for three weeks and then I went to Canada and then I came home and BAM!  Surprise! Slammed door # 3. He's got a girlfriend and it's not me.

Last night I spent some time thinking things like, "I should have made a point to actually have gotten to know him better years ago" and "If I hadn't gone to Cuba then maybe things would have been different" or "If only I had stayed longer at that party."

And then following that came the typical barrage of "you're worthless, you're unwanted, you're unlovable, you're going to be alone for the rest of your life, no one is ever going to want you, just accept it now," crap that nobody wants to admit actually goes through their minds but the truth is, it goes through everyone's mind at some point.

So where am I going with all of this?  That's a really great question.  Today has been a hard day.  My contacts have been cloudy all day from last night's crying. I drowned some of my sorrow in creamy habanero sauce from Cafe Mexicali, which definitely improved things. And I'm trying really hard to not let my heart feel too sick even though hope deferred makes the heart sick.

It's not even necessarily about this particular guy.  It's more that it's just another closed door and I'm so tired of closed doors.  I don't even want any doors anymore at all, but it's like God keeps allowing them to crack open just a bit only to then slam them in my face. 

Deep down in my soul, I know that's not true.  God doesn't operate that way.  He doesn't dangle a carrot in front of us only to rip it away.  Jesus says that God is a good father who gives good gifts to his children.  A good father doesn't taunt his children.  A good father will keep bad things away from his child, and I know ultimately that is the reason behind every door He's closed this year.  For whatever reason, some more obvious than others, none of these men have been what God considers good for my life.  Any of them together with me is not going to accomplish the best plan that God is working out.  I know that.  But the sting...it still doesn't stop the sting when it happens.

I started reading a book Saturday evening (God has good timing) written by a woman who's further along in her 30s than I am and who is still single. The chapter I read last night after all of this went down was about how Satan would want us to believe that we're unwanted and unlovable when we're faced with rejection but that it's simply not true.  And I do know that, really I do.  It was the perfect chapter for me to read at that moment, and God knew that when He had me start reading the book the night before. He holds my times in His hands. 

But it's like the pain right you feel right after someone you love dies.  Even though you know you'll see them again, it doesn't stop your earthly heart from feeling pain.  It takes time for the heart to align with the truth that the mind knows.  That's why I'm glad God made us to have both minds and hearts.  We need both of them to get us through this messy life.  I'm grateful that my rational mind can hold me together when my heart is completely irrational, and that sometimes my irrational heart encourages my rational mind to take risks and allow myself to feel.

It is hard to be 33 and single.  It's hard to watch people much younger than me get married and have kids.  It's hard to be completely content one day and be so lonely I could die the next day.  It's hard to face the reality that most likely I'm not going to get to have children. It's hard to hear all of the well meaning things that (married) people throw my way whenever I start talking about being single.  As if someone who got married when they were 23 knows anything about being single.  I hate it when people use the verse about God giving you the desire of your heart if you delight yourself in Him.  As if somehow my life is a disappointment to God, which is why I'm still single.  Or why they finally were blessed with marriage - because they figured out the key to delighting themselves in God and were subsesquently blessed with the golden chalice of marriage and now they just want to encourage me to do the same thing.  I could hit those people and one of these days, I just might.  Or unfriend them on facebook. I'm good at that too.

The bottom line is - I trust God with my days. He has a reason for everything that He allows or doesn't allow into my life.  He knows the big picture - I just see today.  He has a timing and a season for everything.  And He knows what He's doing. 

I was blessed to be able to text my dear friend Paige this afternoon.  She's been out of town for the weekend and I didn't want to bother her last night because she was at a fancy schmancy award ceremony with her husband, so I texted her this afternoon.  She has such a way of encouraging me and and helping me feel better no matter what (and it usually makes me cry).  God has gifted her with encouragement and it's a gift I long to have in more abundance for others. 

This is what she said (after she told me that I'm sweet and wonderful and that she never liked him anyway and that he was the one actually missing out, not me):

I will choose to believe her words tonight and also keep moving forward with my life.  I'm not waiting for a man to begin my life.  I love my life!  I love the places I've gotten to go and the people I've met and the things I've seen that maybe wouldn't have happened if I was married and had kids.  God has crafted a beautiful life for me regardless of my marital status.  I'm just sad for tonight, for another closed door, but I know that God brings joy in the morning.  So I wait for Him.

And eat some chocolate cookies in the meantime.